Onesies

March 19, 2012

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Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us, onesies. If your grinch-green heart has not smiled at chubby baby thighs coming out of a onesie- then go ask Dorothy for a heart. Onesies are the cutest garment ever made….I wish they made them my size. They even sound cute- say onesie three times in a row- i’ll wait…………… you see! And if you have ever had to change an infant’s diaper, you must have been awed by the nexus of form and function that is the onesie. Onesies have even made me laugh- walk in to a shop for hipster’s babies in Brooklyn and you will see. My favorite: “Ma. meatloaf!!!”. The onesie. Proof god loves us.

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Justin Vernon (Bon Iver)

March 19, 2012

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Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver. This cat was born in Eu Claire, Wisconsin, sings falsetto, and looks like the guy from college I would avoid at parties due to his body odor – but this fellow can write music. “Holocene” sounds like the lullaby god put Jesus to sleep with. His first album, “For Emma, Forever Ago”, had a song called “Skinny Love” and you know what, despite the fact I’ve never gone for skinny loves, I FELT it. And just when I thought this man could not be doper, he sings on Kanye’s heartbreaking work of staggering genius, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”… twice!!! Behold, Justin Vernon, proof god loves us.

The Pringle

January 9, 2010

Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us… The Pringle. Once you pop, you can’t stop, is the truest statement in the history of advertising. The cylindricity of the tube, the perfect shade of slightly dark red, the Pringle is a testament to man’s ability to manipulate his environment for good. One side of the chip is salty, the other mild. Feeling spicy? Then flip the chip. Flip the chip! Try it. And the taste- the crisp- the deliciousness settling into the pores of your tongue with every bite… And the kicker?…. Those crumbs that settle on the bottom. Tilt the tube, and crunchy perfection slowly slides into your mouth- a bitter sweet feeling since, alas, that deliciousness singles the end of your culinary journey. The pringle is a perfect food. Further, incontrovertble proof that god loves us.

British Accents

January 9, 2010

Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us… British accents. Now I am a relatively straight dude, ┬ábut I gotta tell you, a bloke with a smile and a British accent just might have an outside chance at my affections. And a woman with such an accent, I mean come on, there should be clauses in marriage vows that say “I promise to be faithful (unless of course, she has a British accent- then, well, maybe)” A British accent is like ketchup- it makes everything tastier. When I first heard Catherine Zeta jones speak I almost coughed an organ. If some cat in a tuxedo stopped you and said “my name is Bond, James Bond” with a Mexican accent, you would laugh in his face. Thank you lord for the British accent, you really do love us.

The Other Side of the Pillow

January 9, 2010
Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us, the other side of the pillow. 4 am- you dream you are being attacked by rabid beavers- and the world feels scary, dark and exhausting. But then you remember that god in his love for us hooked us up with two sided pillows. You flip, straighten, and slowly lower your cheek upon that sublime coolness. No drool smell, no remnants of your nightmare- just hope , peace and possibility. How the hell did it get cool? Why does it feel so damn good? Don’t ask those silly questions of what you can’t understand. Just accept god’s love, and give the rejected side of the pillow a chance for redemption. Thank you lord, you really do love us!

Tulips

August 11, 2008

Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us… the tulip! Shout out to the little brother on this one, but come on, who does not like tulips, WHO!? Is there absolutely anything about this flower not to like? In 17th century Holland, a prized one of these could be exchanged for a house. Now I know the Dutch are a little bugged out, but can we really doubt their taste in flowers, after all they are high all the time, they know about these things. When I buy flowers, either I buy tulips, or I wish I had bought tulips. The tulip is a little sexy, it is a little sweet, it is youthful, yet mature enough to have a bit of formality. Think pre-addiction Lindsay Lohan. The rose is okay for a while, but they get cruddy fast. Daisies are just plain cheap. Irises are for communists. Lets be real. It is all about the tulip. Further, incontrovertible proof that god loves us.

Cookie Dough

August 11, 2008

Behold, for your consideration, proof god loves us…. chocolate chip cookie dough. This thing has raw eggs in it, RAW EGGS, and we eat it like if it was manna. Wherever you put this thing it is great. Ice cream, chocolate, directly into your mouth while walking around the supermarket… whether raw, cooked; name it, cookie dough delivers. Every time. Take a taste, detect the sweetness of the batter, followed by the mild bitterness of the chocolate and crowned by just a wee bit of salt. When Chocolate Chip cookies are being made I eye them like the last Coca Cola in the desert. Once the cookies are put on the baking sheet…..attack. This is a rare treat. Go for yours. I would box out a paraplegic to get first dibs on some cookie dough. And yes, I will admit, the occasional purchase of a roll of pre-made cookie dough that will never see the light of an oven. It is horrible for you, but we can only prove that we have one life (I think). Embrace Cookie Dough’s role in it.

Sea Lions

July 29, 2008

Behold, for your consideration, proof that gold loves us…. the Sea Lion. Who the hell does not like Sea Lions? Okay, some bite size fish might not, but they were probably already dead by the time they met the wondrous waddlers. Whether in San Francisco, the New York Aquarium, Chile or South Africa, Sea Lions bring international delight. I have never watched Sea Lions with other people, and had folks say “…you know, they alright, but I would prefer to be watching reruns of Saved by the Bell” No!… when sea lions show up, we clap, and listen to them bark, and applaud their waddle, and watch in awe. They dont do much, they can only move underwater, but damn it, they are a beloved mammal. Thank you lord, for creating the sea lion. You really do love us.

The Coke Slurpee

July 27, 2008

Behold, for your consideration, the Coke Slurpee, proof god loves us. If you do not like the Coke slurpee you are either crazy or a communist. If I pass a 7-Eleven, and can’t get a slurpee, something is very very wrong. I am either going to the hospital with a woman in labor in the car, or I already have a Coke Slurpee in my hands. Actually, with my experience pouring Slurpees, my pregnant friend can wait. If someone said to me, El Big Jo, you can drink Coke Slurpees for the rest of your life, however, you will lose 5 years of your life due to the corrosive nature of the syrup, well, Pour some slurpee for the brother that ain’t there. Beware! Not all Slurpees are born the same. But when you get a great pour, hold on to your sombreros, cause here comes pleasure. For those of you unfamiliar, a tip before you indulge…give the drink a minute, let the bottom start to melt a little, put the straw all the way down, sample, gently, taste, detect the slight fragrance of strawberries, and then you can drink. God Loves us, this I know, because the Coke Slurpee tells me so.

Matt Damon

July 5, 2008

Behold, for your consideration… Matt Damon- proof god does love us. Name the last crappy movie this cat was in…. I am waiting…okay, that siamese twin movie he made with Talk Soup was ass, but you gotta search long and hard to find a turkey with this Bostonian. Need an action star…..check….Jason bloody Bourne…nuff said. Need a leading man to carry a boring ass movie…check… see The Good Shepherd . Need a villain…. ask Marty about The Departed. There is nothing he cant do on screen. This is the man who delivered “How About Them Apples line” like if he wrote it….wait…..he DID write it. In a world filled with uncertainty, the good lord gave us Matt Damon. His movies rock. Act like you know.